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Starting over, again and again

I had this belief that once I had chosen a path, once I'd decided on something that I would do, then that is what I would do forever. And despite the fact that life has continually disabused me of this belief, it was one I hung on to for quite a while.

After much hard work, patience and effort on my part, including multiple degrees and plenty of working my way up ladders and in places that were stepping stones to where I wanted to be; I finally got a career in international development. And then I worked very hard at keeping this career and rising up the ladder. And I was happy because I had got where I wanted to be. But the result was burnout, exhaustion, and being a cog in a corporate wheel, saying and doing things at times that were what the organisation believed, but out of line with my personal beliefs. As a policy and advocacy professional, I spent a lot of time convincing people of something, but often behind the scenes. I'd spend time drafting speeches, letters, policy papers, which all had someone else's name on them, and someone else's beliefs in them. I became very good at influencing and leading from the shadows. From behind. Being unaccountable, and unseen.

This led to a deep sense of disconnection to myself - from who I was, what I believed, and what I was capable of. That I was always providing the words for someone else to say. After far too long procrastinating, trying to hold onto the career I'd worked so hard for, I finally realised that who I am is not someone made for the shadows. And that I am not someone who is happy to write and say things I don't fully believe for someone else to use. And I walked out on my life.

I started over. I became a yoga retreat chef, cooking vegan and vegetarian food and learning ayurvedic nutrition. I discovered that my hobby at home was something I loved doing for other people. And that I gained deep satisfaction in providing healthy, nutritious and delicious food to people seeking to change their lives. And I thought - this is it now. I can do this, I love doing this, I'll carry on doing this. Maybe one day I'll open my own retreat.

But the universe had other plans with coronavirus. And now I find myself starting over again. And the training as a Kundalini Yoga Teacher, which I thought was something I was doing for myself, to deepen my understanding of a yoga that I loved and practiced, has now become the thing I do and share with other people. And I love it! Perhaps even more so than cooking. I am in the front, being seen, doing and sharing things I believe in, that I know from experience work and are powerful. I am authentic, seen and heard. And of course, there's nothing to say I can't cook and teach yoga in the future. But, yet again, I am starting over, and the belief I held about the direction of my life has changed yet again.

So it's time for me to let go of that belief. It's not true, and it only serves to attach me to paths of where I'm going, which blind me to the opportunities which come up along the way. In true gemini style - it's ok to change your mind as the landscape changes, as your emotions change, as the world around you changes, as the opportunities change. You don't need to stick to a course because you chose it previously. We are all constantly changing and reinventing ourselves, and so it's time to let go of beliefs which don't support this - which suggest you should keep doing something because you decided you were going to do it in a moment in time which no longer exists.

Be contrary, change your mind, let go of limiting beliefs, and follow the winds of change that Gemini season blows through us. Follow what lights you up, what you love, what brings you joy and you can be sure that in doing this, people will be drawn to you, to experience some of what you have.

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